


I Am My Monster

by Ethren



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Corrupted Steven Universe, Steven Universe Future, Steven Universe Future Spoilers, pink steven
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:54:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23297347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ethren/pseuds/Ethren
Summary: You're right, Jasper.I *have* been holding back.--In the aftermath of Steven and Jasper's battle, Steven wakes in the midst of a storm and discovers the damage of what he's done - and the seemingly irreversible consequences.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 98





	I Am My Monster

_You’re right, Jasper. **  
**_

_I have been holding back._

_-_

The clouds roiled like a vortex of hate overhead, a thundercloud that plagued the sky. The land was still with eerie silence. Nothing moved. Nothing stirred. It was as though the entire landscape dared to not even breathe.

Stevens’s head was pounding. 

His muscles trembled. 

The boy pulled his face from the mud, fingers shaking and heart slamming against his chest, again and again. Everything was fuzzy. _What… happened._ He could feel the sensation of cold rain striking his skin. He could hear the distant thunder echoing, reverberating through a plasma sky. His body ached from the fight…

_The fight._

Steven tore his head up. “Jasper!” They’d been fighting. Where was she?

He pushed to his feet and swayed, a hand reaching out to the nearest tree… the nearest _destroyed_ tree. His throat constricted and he tore his hand away as though he might set it on fire. The tree was in shatters, a broken bird’s nest crushed beneath a branch. Did he do this…? Steven grit his teeth and pushed off, stumbling forward. “Jasper!” He cried out into the storm. 

He blinked away the rain that clouded his eyes and shock ripped through him. Everything was destroyed. The forest was utterly leveled, nothing but carnage left in the wake of their battle. Why couldn’t he remember? He could remember Jasper goading him… could remember himself feeling so _angry_. 

Pink. Swelling up like a vision of red as it engulfed him, swallowed him whole. 

Flying through the sky, propelled by his powers. Punching. Battling. Everything had gotten so out of hand… he had to set this right.

“Jasper!” Steven cried out, stepping over a downed tree. “Jasper, please! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lose control. I just- please, if you’d just come out-”

He suddenly stopped. His heart twisted with a jerk. What if she couldn’t…? What if he’d poofed her?! His eyes felt hot and he pushed his sleeve across his face, drawing away tears before they could fall. 

No. She was fine. Jasper couldn’t be poofed. Not by a worthless kid like him. She was so much stronger. The only time he’d been able to beat her before had been with amethyst. Surely, she was just fine… probably waiting for him to come out into the open to ambush him. 

“Jasper, come on!” He cried out again. “This isn’t funny. We can talk this out, I can help….you..”

His words trailed. He stood at the edge of a great of a great, lifeless crater. Every tree was disintegrated into ash. Every bit of life… gone. How could this have happened..?

Flashes of memory lashed across his vision. Jasper, pinned below him by four shields. Conjuring a great, spiked screen. The panic in her eyes as he- 

It was all coming back. This destruction.. this carnage. 

He threw it at her. This was _his_ fault.

 _“No!”_ Steven leapt. His boots kid on the vacant earth, arms out to balance himself. She’ll be fine. He just poofed her. She’s fine. _She’s fine._ Terror clawed at his insides. “Jasper, I’m com-”

Steven hit the ground, hard. His chin bit into the mud and the boy gasped, grimacing as another bout of pain assailed his aching body. Everything hurt. Tears pushed down his face, he drew his gaze up and the torrential storm, a flash of lightning lit up the carnage. 

The burst of light reflected in something laying in the mud. No…somethings. 

A nameless dread filled him. Steven couldn’t move. He couldn’t breathe. On his hands and knees, he could only stare as tears silently ripped down his face through the mud and rain. “…Jasper..” his voice was numb with shock as he crawled forward. “Jasper, no…” 

His bloody fingers trembled violently as they pushed through the mud - and pulled up the shards of Jasper’s gem. 

Steven stared. Stared at the broken heart in his hands. The shattered soul. The murder he committed. It all broke free in one scream that wrenched from his lungs. “ _No!”_

 _No. NO._ There had to be something he could do. “J-Jasper, don’t worry, please, I’ll help you, _please be fine.”_ His spit. His spit could help her. It could heal cracked gems, this would be fine. _Be fine._ He plucked every piece he could find on the ground and placed them all back together. 

Steven lowered his lips. He kissed the shards through the rain and pulled his head back. Waitng for the telltale glow. Waiting for the warmth of the gem to spread through his fingertips, pulsing like a beating heart. But there was nothing. 

Nothing but stillness. 

He kissed again. Maybe it needed more. Again. _Again._ Steven tore a breath as he stared down at the fragments between his fingers. This corpse in his hands. 

A fork of lightning ripped through the tar black sky. Thunder roared above him, unable to swallow the pounding of his heart slamming against his chest. He did this. He killed her. The gem he tried so hard to save, when everyone else had given up. The gem he fought so hard to prove to that he wasn’t his mother - the monster he’d now become. 

Steven Universe murdered Jasper. 

Not even the storm could drown the sound of his sobs.

A tremor passed through him, breaking Steven al at once. He fell. Fell until his forehead touched the mud as gut-wrenching sobs ripped out from between his bloodied lips. “ _Jasper_ ,” he wailed, eyes squeezed shut. _“I’m sorry, please!”_

There was no answer. 

His body burned pink. His hand clenched around Jasper’s shards, oblivious to the way they cut into his palm. Tears and rain melded together. With the force of someone vomiting on all fours, he sobbed. Sobbed until he felt as though his throat might rip apart and his eyes stung. 

This was his fault. _He_ did this. What could he do. There had to be a way. He had to _save her._ He had to-

Shock stole his breath and yanked it from his lungs. Maybe there _was_ a way he could help her. His spit alone couldn’t bring her back, but maybe… _maybe…_

Steven grit his teeth. His hands closed delicately around the fragments held so carefully in his palm, his body giving off pulses of pink like a beacon in the night. “Don’t worry, Jasper,” he whispered. His voice was ragged. Broken. “I’m going to save you… I’m going to save everyone.” 

Everyone but himself.

He understood now… Steven Universe was beyond saving.

**Author's Note:**

> Liked this story? Being quarantined has put us in a rough spot, so I’m accepting commissions! I can write any fan pairing and can write your OCs as well! Message me on my blog quill-and-pen.tumblr.com if you're interested!


End file.
